i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
