i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
