I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
