Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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