I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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