Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
