Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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