Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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