There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
