My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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