Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
