I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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