there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
