I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
