True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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