i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
