My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
