"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
