Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
