I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
