I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Randomize
