Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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