I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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