I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
