i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
