so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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