I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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