So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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