I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
