i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize