it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Randomize
