nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
