tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
