my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
