Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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