hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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