Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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