I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need to calm my uterus...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
