just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize