She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
