rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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