I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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