I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
