ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
