there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
