i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
