WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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