i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
