if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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