Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
