Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
