Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
