You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize