So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
