Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
