Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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