nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
