well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
