i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You dont lie about slip and slides
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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