Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
