My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i think i have herpe
just one?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
