So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
