Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
