I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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